The 30 Year Heartbreak

I have entered a new stage in my life. A stage I truly was not prepared for.

I turned 30 this year, which is sadly not the stage I am talking about, I happily turned 30. I felt like I had been 30 for years and embraced my 30th year with open arms. I felt like 30 brought with it this grand optimism of a new decade of my life. Everything I had learned in my 20’s could be put to good use. What I had not learned in the last 10 years however, was how to handle heartbreak.

I have been in relationships before, long ones, short ones, ones that could be better summed up as, “Please gather your clothes and exit the apartment through the door to your left. Thank you for your patronage, have a great day”. But the most recent took with it 7 years of my life, an apartment I loved so much I cried when the landlord offered it to us, a dog who was more like my child and a man who I deeply loved. So what happened to our loving utopia? There was attention to be found elsewhere. Attention he didn’t feel he was receiving from me anymore. I went about my life blissfully unaware that he even felt this way, until the moment he admitted he kissed someone else. Now began the spiral of questions that we all struggle with when something like this happens. What could I have done differently? What did I do wrong? Did I push him away? How did we get to this point after a seemingly happy and loving relationship of 7 years, one we always joked was far better than any other relationship we had witnessed. We loved comparing our relationship to other couples we came in contact with and reveling in the fact that we were so happy. But I had clearly missed something along the way.

It took me taking a new job where we weren’t seeing each other as frequently to let the light shine through all of the cracks in our seemingly perfect relationship. It took exactly 2 months for him to look elsewhere for companionship. Instead of discussing the issues he felt in our relationship he confided in another woman, creating an emotional bond between them that eventually led to the destruction of it. It took me 3 months to finally get the courage to walk out the door and end something I had worked so hard to create. The problem with that sentence is the absence of “we”. I had made a life for us, I had done the bulk of household chores and I had worked through any issues we faced. The problem was, he wasn’t apart of most of it. I began to feel like his caregiver rather than his partner. When I wasn’t around as much to tend to his needs he looked elsewhere for someone that could. This was a massive realization for me that I was simply replaceable to him.

This hit me so incredibly hard that I couldn’t stand to live another day in this apartment I loved so much with this man who was seemingly incapable of understanding what I was feeling. Over the course of those 3 months, I tried so hard to get past the hurdles that came our way. The kiss, the constant talking to this other woman, the group trip he went on without me that she was on, the pictures that constantly surfaced of the 2 of them together, her coming into the bar I work at that she had never stepped foot in before and him lying about all of it. I kept putting a timeline on how much I was willing to put up with. How much time I would give him to prove to me that he wanted to fight for our relationship. Those days came and went and came and went and I felt more alone than I ever had. I felt that I had to do everything in my power to save our relationship so that when the time came to walk away, I could do so with no regrets. I had lost 30 pounds in less than 2 months, my mental and emotional health were dwindling and I was starting to feel as though I had gone crazy. We were in a constant argument and I felt like he was trying to push me to the brink of being the one who had to end things. The running trend in our relationship, me having to take charge and make the hard decisions.

It was only when he saw me packing “our” life up and moving out that he asked me to stay. At that point it wasn’t me he wanted, it was the comfort of his life that I had built around him that he wasn’t ready to part with. Another blow, another moment that made me feel completely non existent to his world. The day I moved out, I looked around this completely empty apartment and really saw for the first time how much effort I had put in through the years without realizing. The rooms and walls were bare except for a few items I wasn’t spiteful enough to take with me and a room full of his hobbies. His hobbies that had taken precedence over our relationship and over me for years. I wasn’t there when he came home that night and I’m sure he felt some sort of emotion, but it isn’t one he has shown to me.

I feel like I am the only one grieving the loss of us. My companion, my best friend, my life for 7 years. I feel angry, sad, hurt, betrayed and lonely. Alone. You always hear about grief but you typically associate it with death, at least I always had. I now had this overwhelming grief to work through and the only person I wanted to share it with is the one who created it. It has taken me a few months to see that this is a true form of grief and that I don’t have to feel bad for feeling it. I recently found out that the new girl is pretty much living in our old apartment, just a month after our relationship had ended. In a way finding out gave me a sense of relief. Relief that I wasn’t crazy and making everything up in my head as I was told for months. That a kiss wasn’t just a kiss. He showed his true narcissistic qualities and made it clear that any companion would do, it didn’t have to be me as long as someone was there as a distraction.

I have spent a painstaking amount of time looking back at our relationship and seeing the red flags that I didn’t see while we were together. Every plan he made for the future didn’t include me because he wasn’t able to see past his wants and needs. He was unable to fully commit to the things I wanted for our future as if they inconvenienced him in some way. While I know ending our relationship was in my best interest, it certainly doesn’t make the process any easier.

Just know, if you are with someone that doesn’t ever put you first, they never will. If you are with someone who shows narcissistic qualities, they will never feel bad for how they treat you and it will always be your fault. If you are with someone who values everything above you, they will never see your worth. You will never change your partner, no matter what small compromises they have made they will only ever change what is convenient for them. If their future plans don’t include you, they most likely never will. We deserve more, much more. We are all worthy of love and a partner who isn’t afraid to give their all. While 30 hasn’t been going to plan I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I know this feeling won’t last forever and one day I will again feel whole.

“She was not crazy, she was a victim of your narcissism, finally free from being a puppet to your manipulation. She was not crazy, she was awakened to the reality of who you are, growing aware of the deceit your mouth has fed her ears. When did she go crazy? When she realized her worth and came to the conclusion that she should not be in competition to feel important to her so called lover? When she stopped begging for consistency or demanding it, but found her way out of this love circus instead of carrying your promises in the center of her heart, waiting for the day that you would fulfill them? Was it when she started to doubt your secrecy, refusing to title it as privacy when for you, it was nothing but a way to do your dirt in silence? Was it when your empty “I love yous'” started to feel like bullet wounds to her? She grew bolder, but you created this mind game to make her feel foolish for coming to her senses. You convinced yourself that you were playing chess, trying to out think her moves instead of joining hands with her and making your play about protecting your queen. Crazy is the woman who loves blindly with itching ears, accepting of everything. Crazy is the woman who sees how her heart is being tortured and decided to stay to take care of yours. Crazy is the woman who does anything for love even when that love does nothing good for her. She is many things, but a crazy woman is not one whose blood boils with frustration for being fooled. It is not a woman whose eyes carry anger after being punished for loving too hard, and it is definitely not a woman who is smart enough to recognize your game and demand an audible out, or she will quit. The problem is not that she’s as crazy as you claim. It is just that she wasn’t crazy enough to leave you long before.” -Pierre Alex Jeanty

Highway Picnic

Sitting in morning traffic today, I happened to look in my rearview mirror and notice the gentlemen behind me enjoying his breakfast. You may be thinking it was a quick breakfast sammy from the closest Tim Hortons, but you would be wrong. He had an actual plate of food and was eating it with a fork. This is serious breakfast commitment.

We are all guilty of eating in our cars and on the go since this is just how we live our lives in todays world. We don’t think about the implications of doing this and we certainly don’t stop to think if we are doing harm to our bodies by eating in this manner. All we know is that we woke up at 7:50 and have to be to work by 8:30. All of sudden the most important meal of the day becomes a picnic on the thruway. Not only is this a driving hazard and terrifying for those around you, but it wreaks havoc on your digestion. In this moment your body is in full on running late, morning rush hour flight mode. It’s complete chaos inside your body- stress, panic, watching the clock, full on road rage, not-a-morning person, chaos! The last thing your body is thinking about at this exact moment, is digesting the bowl of Cheerios you ate in your car 10 minutes ago.  Your body is now working like the crew members on the Titanic, doing everything in its power to shift attention away from your digestion and focus on what is clearly a massive iceberg headed your way. Digestion is controlled by the body’s nervous system, when your body is under stress it begins to send signals to places in the body that give you the ability to fight off an upcoming attack or run like hell. Blood flow to the area decreases drastically causing additional side effects such as indigestion, nausea and constipation.  This fight or flight response is part of our genetic make up and unfortunately our bodies are unable to decipher what type of stress we’re under. Whether you are being chased by a mountain lion or weaving through 6 lanes of traffic trying to get to your meeting on time, your body is in a stress filled situation. If you were actually being chased by a mountain lion, you would also not give a shit about your digestion.

We constantly look around at what our American food culture has become and the answer is typically, obese. Yes, much of that has to do with the overwhelming amount of processed food that we have in our diets but we also have to take a step back and look at our way of life. Our food has become overly processed and has become instant to fit in with our “on the go” lifestyle. There is an astounding array of foods that can be made in 5 minutes or less. We tend to walk past the produce department and head straight to the prepared meals to grab something fast and easy that fits within our lunch hour. We have slowly turned eating into this mundane task that has to be completed, rather than enjoyed. We put no importance in the daily routine of preparing a meal, sitting down and enjoying our food. Our culture no longer values people, it no longer cares that you ate your lunch hiding in the bathroom, it is not concerned that you had to work extra hours without being granted a break. Our culture doesn’t give a shit.

We stop to take a look at European countries and see that there food culture is completely different from our own. You do not hear about morbid obesity running rampant throughout these countries. Most people are granted 2 hour lunch breaks and get out of work at a reasonable hour to partake in dinner. It doesn’t matter that bread, cheese and butter are main staples in France. It doesn’t matter that pasta and a bottle or two of wine is a part of every meal in Italy. What matters is that they use fresh, real ingredients free of chemicals. They actually take a break and sit down to eat without rushing or interruption. You would find it difficult to find a fast food restaurant on every corner in Europe, of course they exist, Old McDonald made sure of that, but they are typically full of tourists trying to eat quickly on their way to the next museum. You will never sit next to a table of Italians in a restaurant and hear anyone say, “We have somewhere to be immediately after this, is there any way you can rush the meal?”. I can’t tell you how many times this has been asked of me working in the restaurant industry. It is like we are incapable as a country of slowing down and enjoying each small moment, even it is just another meal. We act as though eating is an imposition rather than 1 of 2 very important things that keeps us alive day to day.

If you were to just take a breath, slow down and enjoy each and every bite of your food, you would notice some pretty great changes in your digestion. You may notice you don’t feel as bloated as usual or that you are actually going to the bathroom regularly. The number on the scale may start to drop gradually and your pants may feel a bit looser. You may notice you start to make healthier choices in what you’re eating rather than grabbing the fastest option.

This week try and focus on not only what you’re eating, but how you’re eating. How long does it take you to eat a full meal? Are you eating on the go or in a hurry? Do you feel stressed, rushed or anxious while you’re eating? Before you even take that first bite, take a deep breath and remember that this meal is doing a service for your body. If you feel stressed, give yourself a few moments to unwind and breath. Allow your nervous system to rebalance and make the shift from stressed to relaxed. Breath in the scent of your food, feel the texture, allow it to last long enough that you actually taste what you’re eating. Slowly increase the amount of time it takes to eat each meal, if it typically takes you 5 minutes to eat, increase it to 10. Work your way up to 20 or even 30 minutes to complete a full meal. This allows your body to feel satisfied that it has completed the eating process and you will find it less likely that you reach for a snack or dessert. So if you’re having tummy troubles give this a shot and please, please stop eating plates of food in your car.

Suck it up Cupcake.

I don’t typically engage in the rants and raves on Facebook and usually find the information that most post to be way over the top. However, I found it difficult to keep my mouth shut today over the following comment that was posted to a friend of mine, mothers page:

“You have to admit these kids go to school for x amount of years at the best schools away from home and extend it so it’s party time longer then whine about cost im sick of it suck it up cupcake welcome to being an adult”

My friends mom had posted a video of Diane Sawyer asking for feedback from students on their student loan experience. A harmless enough video, meant to drum up a conversation about why students are having such a hard time paying back loans and help explain why we seem to constantly be complaining about it. A friend of hers decided to chime in and make her stance known. Let me start by saying, if you were never a college student and you are not paying back student loans, maybe you should keep your comments and your opinions on the matter to yourself. It’s easy to be presumptive about a group of people, particularly millennials in this case, if you have not been in this position yourself. I certainly do not go around pretending to know what the Great Depression was like, because I was not a part of it.

I know, I know, sooooo many millienials have written about this very thing and it’s to the point that we are now being seen as “whiney” and being told “to suck it up cupcake”. Well in today’s world, your outdated phrase of “suck it up cupcake” doesn’t really apply. All we have done is “suck it up” and all it seems we continue to do is “suck it up”. I wish that partying was the reason it took me 5 years to graduate from college and not the fact that I had to work 2 jobs to support myself, pay for $1000 in books every 3 months, pay for a $900 summer internship, in which I was not paid to complete and have the audacity to feed myself. Not to mention I graduated with 2 degrees, because in this world 1 degree no longer does the trick. By the time you finish the first degree, it has become completely useless or the jobs in that market have become too saturated and they advise you obtain degree number 2 so you can “stand out from the crowd”. Add all of these degrees, books, dorming if necessary, food plans and summer classes (to hopefully expedite your college career but are not covered by loans and must be paid out of pocket) and you have yourself a whopping cluster fuck of roughly $30,000-$120,000. Throw in a couple semesters where your pre-requisites were not available until the following semester or where your advisor has so many students to take care of that they don’t realize you somehow didn’t take a class needed to graduate. Now your 4 year college vacation, apparently, has turned into 5. Make sure you don’t forget to throw partying in the mix though, because thats the real problem with todays generation.

I would like to also address the “welcome to being an adult” statement. I was 17 when I went to college, a far cry from being an adult. I didn’t have the option in my house of if I wanted to go to college. My father believed that college was the only choice and that I would have no future without it. I didn’t disagree with him at the time and believed that my future was heavily dependent on obtaining a degree and landing a well paying job. I CHOSE to begin at community college hoping it would save me some money in the long run, I CHOSE to go to my second choice for colleges after that because it was less expensive. Every semester as I applied for loans I would look at my growing bill and question why the hell I was even doing this, I would never be able to pay back what I owed. Now at 27, I am more than aware of what being an adult means, and to criticize those of us who decided that college was the path for us is insane to me. We weren’t told the day of our college orientation that the job market was really as terrible as we thought. We didn’t know that we would have been better off going into dying trades rather than feeding into corporate America. We didn’t know. We are criticized for choosing the best college for ourselves, colleges we were told would get us the best degree, which would lead to the best jobs. Our counselors in high school would consistently push us to get into the best schools because those are the schools that matter. You see, the choice didn’t begin with us, it was a product of the older generation pushing us to achieve more. Pushing us to see the “value” in college and the best one at that. Our parents pushing us to see us thrive, believing that college was the way for all of us. Now years later, we’re  all drowning in debt and being told by the generation who created this madness to “suck it up cupcake”.

I have worked since I have been 15 years old and obtained a 2nd job at the age of 17. I have worked 2-3 jobs consistently throughout that time and at 27, I still have to. In 10 years I have obtained a business degree, a fashion merchandising degree, an esthetics license, my paramedical/laser certification, became a certified health coach and still, on my path to finding the career to end it all, will end up spending more money in continued education. I have spent close to $20,000 on furthering my education since my college graduation in 2012. I am very aware that I made the choice of whether or not to continue my education, and I knew that adding to my loans would make them harder to pay back. But unfortunately, nothing is ever enough anymore. You can’t just be the esthetician, you have the be the esthetician that offers all the extras in order to make money. You can’t just be the economics major, you need a degree in international business to be successful. You can’t just be an english major, you need to obtain a teaching degree.

There is no end, there is no path to success drawn out for us. When we think we have reached the pinnacle of our education we are told we need more. Lucky for you, you weren’t expected to do any of this. Enjoy sitting on your high horse, with your retirement fund (that we will most likely never see) and let us clean up the mess and save the world for you.

Goodnight Moon

How many of us have a hard time winding down and falling asleep at night? You’re yawing and sleepy until the moment you lay in bed and feel your eyes snap open like a set of blinds in a cartoon. Your legs and arms get that tingly, restless sensation and you suddenly feel as though you could walk outside and lift your car clear off the ground. You turn off the light, close your eyes and an inventory of your day floods your mind, jumping up and down on your brain. You finally fall asleep and somehow turn into a roller weenie from the gas station down the street, just rolling around until you finally give up. Sleep is an important ritual in our lives and when it is constantly interrupted our bodies and our brain take notice.

Think of your bedtime routine and what you typically do prior to laying down. Most people watch a little TV, catch up on cleaning the house, wrestle their kids to bed or stare at their phones until their eyes bleed. Maybe you do a little mix of everything! If you are nodding your head to all of these and don’t add in relaxation at any point you shouldn’t be surprised that sleep doesn’t come easily or that you wake up feeling groggy most mornings. You may be saying, “Sara watching TV is my relaxation” or “I have to scroll through Facebook for the 175th time in order to relax, those cat videos won’t watch themselves!”. All of these things act as stimulants to the brain which are keeping your brain active and awake. Our body is set to work with the rise and fall of the sun. As the sun goes to sleep, so to speak, so should you. If you are watching TV, sitting in front of the computer or staring at your phone, you are tricking your body into thinking the sun is still up. The blue light being emitted from these devices is capable of stopping the body’s production of melatonin, which is a hormone that induces sleep. You may be able to fall asleep while watching reruns of Friends but don’t be fooled, that type of exposure can delay your ability to reach REM sleep, which poses an issue on the quality of sleep you’re receiving.

Our brains do not simply go to sleep when we do, they actually begin a process of clearing out waste and toxins. Not allowing your brain to do this can lead to diseases such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. Sleep helps us remember our day, store memories and improves our ability to make decisions. It allows for better coordination, concentration and helps the nervous system to function properly. We all know that lack of sleep or poor sleep will greatly affect your mood as well as your appetite. The list goes on and I encourage you to do a little research on brain health to not only help your sleep but to help prevent disease and memory issues down the road.

Everyone should have a bedtime routine in place that helps to relax and calm the body and mind. You should set aside an hour before you intend to lay down and actually fall asleep that you dedicate to connecting with your inner clock. Take a bath or shower, have a cup of herbal tea, meditate, journal or read on a device that does not emit light, maybe a real life book even, you know, one with pages! There are many ways you can relax and quiet the mind before bed and it’s very important to the health of your brain to do this. Your bedroom should be a place free of distraction and should help promote comfort and relaxation. Utilizing muted colors, soft lighting and scents that promote calming can greatly help in your quest for sleep.

So power down an hour earlier, give yourself a break from all that stimulation and allow your brain to rest. It is a pretty important organ after all.

Be A Warrior

When we find ourselves in circumstances that leave us feeling powerless we lose hope, and we start to feel as though we are in a never-ending spiral of unfortunate moments. We forget that we have the ability to change how our life is going, how big our world is, how expansive our minds are. We have the ability to shift any situation into something completely different just by choosing to react differently. Every morning when you wake up, you make a decision as to how your day will go. You can choose to be tired and grumpy, fumbling around the kitchen for coffee, feeling angry that you are forced into being awake and heading to work. You can choose to be happy and hop out of bed with a little pep in your step, whistling your way to your morning shower. You can even choose to be indifferent, taking your time rousing from bed and fingering through your closet for that days outfit. The point is, you GET to choose. You get to create a life that suits you and makes you feel happy and fulfilled.

We spend so much of our energy holding onto those moments in life that beat us down. We let those hard times have power over how we live and who we become. We act as though we are victims of our circumstance rather than advocates for change. You have the power to hold your head up high, face your fears and persevere. We want to place the blame on having poor timing or having terrible luck. We want to feel as though someone else’s choice in life somehow made our path unreachable. We don’t want to admit to ourselves that if we just stepped out of our own way, we could see the end of the tunnel. You are the only obstacle in your way.

So why aren’t more of us making the choice to respond in a way that would actually benefit us? There’s always that fear that if you let go you will be admitting to moving on or acknowledging that it didn’t work out the way you had planned. These are valid reasons to be scared and to hold onto negative situations, but you have to ask yourself; is it doing you damage to hold onto something that cannot be changed? Does it make sense to be stuck in a revolving door of pain, hurt, anger or emotional distress? Are you happy? You can make the choice to take hold of the power and courage inside of you and take a step forward, recognize that you have what it takes to be happy and live fully. Decide that you no longer want to be a victim but a warrior. Look at each situation you find yourself in, stop and think about what you can do to change it, shifting a negative response into a world of new beginnings.

Take a moment today to brainstorm the things in your life that feel as though they have not been going well. Think about day to day life, work, even relationships and write a list of all the things you are holding onto. Allow yourself to pull each experience into the present moment and notice where you feel negativity. Acknowledge the hurt or the anger that is present and notice how it is blocking you from moving forward in life. List the ways that you can react differently to each situation. See how you can engage in a deeper level of understanding and compassion and remember that you have the choice to let go and move forward in a new, empowered way. You always have a choice, make one that best services your happiness and has the best intentions for your life.

Choose to be a warrior.

 

Mirror Mirror

If you read my post a few weeks ago, “Pear Bottomed Girls”, than this post will make more sense. If you have not read that one, I of course advise that you do, but you should be able to pick up what I’m putting down without having to read it. I asked that you pick a body part on yourself that isn’t one of your favorites and may even induce rage or sadness. A part that is constantly getting poked and prodded and endures snide remarks and hushed commentary on how it has ruined your life. I’m sure most of you already have that part in your mind without having to think about it.

*Whispering under breath while reading this…

“Stupid fat thighs, you disgusting dimply pieces of trash, you repulse me. Seriously. I hate you. You can’t even fit into my favorite jeans. You have 1 job, to prop my ass up in these jeans! You can’t even do that right!”

Sound about right? We have all been there. We have all stared blankly at our bodies in the mirror, dissecting every inch of flesh. How do you typically feel after that intense moment of self loathing? Since I have done it myself, the answer, is fucking awful. So why do we continuously do this to ourselves! We should be cherishing every moment we have within our bodies. We should look at every space on this beautiful creation with wonderment rather than torment. Our bodies carry us through life, they take a severe beating on a daily basis only to come home and be beaten further with verbal brutality.

Those thighs carry your body around all day. They make sure you are able to make it from point A to point B, tirelessly working hard to support you. Yet, they are never given any credit, just criticism. Those arms, that seem “flabby” or out of shape, are able to hug the world. They are able to closely hold what is dear to us and show our affection towards one another. Whether you’re holding your partners hand, rocking your child to sleep or holding on tight to a friend, they have encountered countless moments of love. That belly, our arch nemesis, it does the most amazing thing on earth. It has the ability to hold life. It is a source of power for our entire body, our core, our center. We take all of these pieces of ourselves for granted and instead look at them with shame and anger.

I would like for you to stop here and take a moment to look in the mirror, really look in the mirror. Scan your body from head to toe. Stop at each and every body part and come up with a reason why that part is actually perfect. Every inch deserves a compliment, deserves acknowledgment, deserves to be looked at with love. This is NOT a time for judgement. If something negative starts to push its way into your mind, bring your focus back to this positive intention. Give each body part a purpose and thank it for doing the job it was set out to do. Stand in the mirror until you believe each and every word you have said. Repeat it and trust it, as if saying anything different would feel wrong, like a betrayal to this new found relationship with your body. Do this on a daily basis and continue to build the courage to believe in your beauty.

It’s so easy to get caught up with “what beauty looks like”. The funny thing is, beauty looks exactly like you. Here you have been searching for the ideal body, the perfect shape and its been there all along, looking back at you in the mirror. You just neglected to see all the reasons that your body is already perfect. We waste so much of our time and energy with negative thoughts. Try a little positivity and see how it shifts not only your relationship with your body, but with the world around you. Embrace that feeling and know that you can have that every single day. You can wake up and choose to love yourself or you can spend a lot of valuable energy thinking of all the ways to veiw your imperfections negatively. I dare you to be happy and show that girl in the mirror that she’s worth it. All you have to do is work together and watch the beauty unfold.

Oh the Anxiety

In lieu of being transparent and being open with any and all that actually sit and read my blog, I feel I must share a secret. Some of you who know me will find this as nothing new, some of you who are acquaintances may not believe me and some of you may be able to relate to this in a very real way. I am a girl filled to the brim with anxious energy. Some days I feel as though it might actually start seeping through my skin exposing what’s really happening inside of me. As you know, I have recently launched my business as a Health Coach in which I help other women like myself find balance between life and the beast that is anxiety. You may ask how it is I can help others if I myself have days where crawling out from under the covers seems taxing. This is the exact reason why.

In this day and age everything can be fixed with a pill. Take one and you’ll be dancing through a meadow of flowers, singing “The Hills are Alive” while wild horses graze next to you. Or so they say. (I want to add before we go any further, I am not shaming anyone who is taking anti-anxiety medication or anti-depressants, I am simply sharing an experience. If taking medication has helped you and has been a source of relief for you than that is wonderful). I have struggled with anxiety and bouts of depression for my entire life. There is not a time I think back and say, “What a peaceful time that was before the anxiety began.” It has always been there and will most likely be something I regularly deal with for the rest of my life. When it reached a point a few years ago that I felt I could not go a day without an anxiety attack, I spoke to my doctor about possible medications. We chose one and I began the next day. After a few months of waking up and taking this pill, I decided I did not want this pill to be the reason for my happiness. I did not want this pill to fill me with false promises for the day ahead. I did not want this pill dictating my life. I went off almost as quickly as I went on. I now had the task of learning how to control my anxiety and learning ways to cope when the crazy would set in. It has not always been pretty, there are plenty who can attest to that, but it has been me. It has been my feelings and my emotions and things I have felt very deeply pushing its way through my body and begging for my attention. That’s the thing about anxiety, it can trick you. It can make you think you are less than. It grips a hold of you so quickly that you don’t have time to see it coming.

I can say at 27, I have learned a lot coping skills that have helped me greatly. I can also say there are still days I want unzip my skin and hang it up in the closet because I can’t stand the buzzing feeling circulating through it. I always remind myself in those moments, this is one day in the course of your life. Feel what you need to feel and don’t be ashamed to feel it. Tomorrow you will wake up to a brand new day full of fresh new energy. People who have only known me for a short period of time laugh when I say I’m incredibly shy. They can’t believe me when I say I have, what can often times be crippling anxiety. I’m the loud girl, the funny girl, the girl who usually seems to be having fun. My exterior proves me to be outgoing and outspoken. They don’t see the girl that is so scared to meet new people that she  blurts out the most inappropriate things because she’s so uncomfortable she can barely form a coherent sentence that doesn’t contain the word “fuck”. They don’t see the girl that panics when she’s in the middle of a crowd because there is no clear escape route and someone’s touching me!  Oh god, why is everyone so close to me! They don’t see the girl that won’t walk into a business she has never been into before without a friend because she doesn’t know what to expect once inside. They certainly don’t know the girl who breaks out in hives at the thought of change. Yet here she is, in all her glory.

This girl is a part of me, and she’s a little nutty but she has some really great attributes too. When we struggle with anxiety we can often times forget the other half of our self exists at all. The half that’s loving and compassionate. The half that is driven and successful. That half tends to take a backseat when the black cloud rolls in and it’s important to remember that she’s still here even if you don’t feel it.

Over the years I can say that journaling has been my greatest anxiety shield. I keep a pocket sized notebook with me at all times, everywhere I go. When I feel the electric charge begin, I know the storm is coming and I know to get a pen handy. Writing those words down has helped release them from my mind and has eased the need to remember a million things at once. Sometimes, its pages and pages scrawled in messy, rushed hand writing. Sometimes, only a few words that I needed to take the time to write perfectly. I look at it after and think, there it is. There’s the energy that has been burning inside of me waiting to be released! Its all right here, in this tiny notebook and it managed to fit on just these few pages. When I look at the entry I just wrote down, it seemed like when I began writing, the problem that was plaguing me was big enough to have filled the whole notebook. But here, in plain words it capsized into a few pages. It automatically soaked up my feelings and condensed them into a much smaller problem than I had originally thought. Ah, a sigh of relief.

If you are out there, struggling to grasp your anxiety, please know you are not alone. You are simply one person in a sea of many trying to hide what they feel. There are many wonderful ways to cope with the overwhelming energy that is swirling inside of you. When you feel your next wave of anxious energy coming along, greet it and recognize that all energy can be shifted. I encourage you to find a safe place to shift it, whether it be journaling, meditation, deep breathing or any other form of release that you feel helpful. It may take time to find what suits you and you may try a few different things in your search. Just know that they are all perfect and none of them are incorrect. Be patient in your process, one may even choose you.

Everyone is always winning the game they are playing.

In life we are constantly aspiring to be greater. We always want to take that next step, get the promotion, continue our education, make more money and so on. When it doesn’t happen fast enough we get discouraged and beat ourselves up. We start to compare ourselves to those around us and try to figure out what were doing differently. What we neglect to remember in this world of instant gratification, is that life takes time. We are so used to having access to the universe with a click of a button, the scroll of a mouse, a siphoned Wi-Fi password to the nearest Starbucks. We are impatient and want immediate success. We are unwilling to see the importance in those small steps that lead up to the end result. Those small steps are the roadmap to your life. They are there to guide you forward and act as a manual in which you can always use for reference to see where you made mistakes or where you excelled along the way.

We fail to see that we are always right where we want to be. What we are experiencing is what we want to be experiencing, we just don’t realize it. We trick ourselves into thinking we’re ready for the next step and we make ourselves feel bad for not being farther along. The truth is, you are not stuck, you are not failing, you are just not ready. You may think that you are ready to conquer the world when in reality it scares the hell out of you. You find yourself making choice after choice that sets you back, or keeps you at a standstill.

What does this mean? People work perfectly to produce the results they are getting. If you wanted to be at your end result, you would be there. Here is an example:

You are trying to lose weight and the first weeks you do amazing! You’re eating all the right things at the times that are best for your body. Week 2 comes along and you begin to say, “I’m just too busy to plan out my meals, my schedule is too erratic.” You are playing a game of being distracted and you are winning. You are placing value on being distracted and busy over valuing stability and consistency. This is a deliberate choice, not an accident. Yes, there are certainly times you cannot help how busy you are, but is it really as often as you think? Think of something on your calendar right now that is not pertinent and may even be something you don’t want or have to do but scheduled anyway. You may notice that the moment your schedule frees up, it is almost instantly filled with something else. You are winning the game of being busy and hectic. There are many scenarios in which we are winning a game that does not service us.

So take a look at where you currently are in life and ask yourself, “Is this where I want to be? Am I doing what I set out to do? Is anything or anyone holding me back?” Do this as a daily assessment to make sure what you are doing is in service to reaching that end result. You may find yourself playing a game you hadn’t realized you signed up for. So go forward and acknowledge each pathway you have set out to conquer. Take it one small step at a time and thank yourself for having the courage to take that step.

 

Pear Bottomed Girls

THIS. Seriously, no.

If looking at this ad induces a rage and a fire inside you so intense that it compares to the deepest depths of hell, than we are on the same page. This little beauty is a work of art, posted by World’s Gym in Egypt. Yes, World’s Gym in the United States has already addressed this PR nightmare and has since posted a public apology. They were unaware that this ad was being used in Egypt and do not agree with the statement it portrays. Great. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, lets discuss the fact that this is an ad that somehow got through a group of people who seemed to agree that the message it portrayed would somehow be motivating to women.

Guess what? This ad is hate filled garbage and in this bright and shiny new year of 2017, we get the right to be whatever goddamn fruit we wish to be! Why is it that a woman’s body is constantly being compared to inanimate objects?

“Look at the pear shape on that gal!”

“Love a gal with an hourglass figure.”

“Ooooweeee, look at that perfect couch shape she has.”

Why don’t we cool it with the comparisons long enough to realize that we are simply humans. You don’t see men being perceived and described to what they closest resemble.

“Boy, Todd has that great toaster shape, very masculine.”

So if we don’t objectify men like this, why is it somehow still acceptable to do to women? This ad is the perfect example of what is wrong with believing we have the right to decide which body shape suits each individual. If we have curves, we are considered heavy or big boned. If we are naturally thin, we’re “too skinny” and must be unhealthy. What does it matter to any of us what size another human being is!? What impact does it have on your life to know how much the person next to you weighs or what size she wears. Who genuinely gives a shit? If that is something you find bothers you, than there are underlying issues stemming from an emotional connection with yourself and your relationship with your own body.

We all want the same things in life; to be happy, to be loved, to feel safe and to be accepted. If one of these things is missing from your life, it may be easy to pass judgement on others to fill a void. It starts to feel good to put others down to momentarily lift yourself up. This is a quick, fleeting moment of amusement that usually ends in a scrutinizing inventory of your own faults.  So was it worth it?

We are all beautiful and we all have our own story. It’s easy to tell someone how they “should” look based on your standards and the message you received about those standards growing up. Our past has a way of influencing our lives in ways we don’t always realize. If you were taught growing up that eating was bad and would make you fat, you shouldn’t be surprised if you have an unhealthy relationship to food and an obsession with your weight. If you grew up in an environment where fast food was prevalent and sugary beverages were the drink of choice, you shouldn’t be surprised if that habit followed you into adulthood. We are all raised with different messages and ideals on body shape and what it means to be healthy. We of course can shift these ideas to  better suit our lives as we get older, but some of us don’t have the right tools to do that on our own. A comment like this can be utterly devastating to a woman who already has a poor self image and lacks confidence to see her beauty. No woman should ever go to the gym, walk through the door and be hit in the face with this body shaming propaganda. Rather than motivating, this garbage will completely stop a woman’s desire to ever walk into the gym again because she doesn’t have that “perfect gym body”.

Before you decide to judge another woman on her body shape, I encourage you to stop and think about what your going to say. I encourage you to get curious about why you feel that way towards this person, whom you have never even met. I encourage you to take a look into your upbringing and remember the message you were raised with about the perfect body and remember that she may not have the same body story. I encourage you to be open-minded and respect the fact that that woman may love her body just the way it is and you should do the same. I have curves, great ones. Do they always agree with me when I’m shopping for jeans? Absolutely not, but that’s not a good enough reason to hate them.

So girls, pick a body part that you have always disliked and create a list of reasons why that part is actually pretty perfect. Take a really good look at yourself and commit to loving your body, in all of its various stages (because there will be stages). Commit to being kind to those around you. You would be surprised how much a compliment can change not only someone’s day, but there outlook. So go out into the world with your head held high, and if you see an ad like this give it the finger and tell it to fuck off.

 

 

Not Today! (and that’s OK)

As my alarm went off at 7 this morning, I rolled over and hit the snooze. I just needed a few more minutes. As it continued to go off, begging me to get up and do yoga before work, I continued to shut it off. It was just one of those mornings where that extra half hour of sleep was needed. I thought about yelling at myself, telling myself to stop being so lazy and get up! But what would that of done? I would then have to carry that attitude with me through the entire day. Constantly berating myself for not getting up early and doing yoga. That attitude would then make me look at myself with disgust and anger. Irritated that I chose to sleep in when I knew how great I would feel after yoga.

You want to know what else felt great? Sleeping. I went to bed much later than my usual 10pm and my body was just not ready to start the day at 7am. Who am I to disagree with such a well made machine? Believe it or not sleep can be more important than getting that early morning workout in. Listen to your body and understand the signs it’s giving you. If you are feeling exhausted and tired, sleep it off, your body will thank you for it. You will function your best when your body is well rested.

When you are tired, your body’s cortisol levels rise leading to hormone imbalances in the body. Cortisol is a steroid hormone that helps the body respond to stress, often referred to as the “stress hormone”. When this is triggered it effects the body’s blood sugar levels, blood pressure, and greatly affects metabolism and the body’s ability to balance salt and water.

Not only does your cortisol level rise (I know, you’re thinking “Please stop! We can’t take anymore!”), but lack of sleep also increases ghrelin levels in the body. Ghrelin is also known as the “hunger hormone”. DUN DUN DUN. Ever notice on days when your exhausted that you tend to open the fridge and scowl at the bowl of kale while simultaneously  ordering a large pizza? You may not be human if your haven’t done this once or twice.

I know, I know. I just threw some real science sounding stuff at you and your ready to call it quits, grab a pillow and take a nap. The moral of the story is; get some sleep people! Listen to what your body is telling you and stop trying to fight sleep. You will have time to finish the dishes tomorrow. You will have time to stalk to your ex boyfriend on Instagram tomorrow and you will have time to get your workout in tomorrow. It will all still be there for you when you wake up. We need to stop worrying about all of the things we “should have done”. You didn’t do it, its over and now its time to focus on the present. On this exact moment right now, the one you are currently living in and have the ability to change.

I didn’t do yoga this morning and that’s OK. There’s always tomorrow.